New Office Policy Importance: High EFFECTIVE JULY 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY - just something funny
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break : (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

1. You mother in law really can be a witch. Better learn how to deal with her before she poisons your relationship.
2. One bad apple (like an affair) can wipe you out. Keep bad apples out of your relationships.
3. If the shoe fits wear it. Finding a mate is like finding a good pair of shoes, you know when you’ve got the right one. Just remember, the glass slipper is one of a kind, you will more than likely find the right mate outside the pack.
4. Sometimes relationships just need a little magic. God loves being a fairy god parent, he can make things sparkle.
5. Whistle while you work. Marriages take a lot of work, learn to enjoy the work it takes to make a successful relationship and stop complaining.
6. Be home when the clock strikes 12. A lot of marriages would improve if couples set boundaries to keep the relationship safe and stable like limiting the hours allowed out for individual fun or at least courtesy calls when you are going to be late.
7. Have a ball. When was the last time you really did something fun with just you and your wife or husband? The prince threw a ball.
8. Stay away from spinning wheels, one prick is lethal. Marriages often get to busy, we are on a treadmill in life, constantly going. Learn to avoid a constantly spinning life. Take time to relate.
9. Those fairy tale kisses - potent stuff, brought the dead to life. When was the last time you kissed like that? Might want to try a few of those to put some fire back into your marriage.
10. Make it your priority to live happily ever after.

My friend sent this - I think it is so funny…

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his Sweat- shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma ‘

And they say blondes are dumb…

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’

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‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.

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A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good
that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

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…some of you remember the back seat of the car, skinny dipping on the beach and love outside the bedroom when the kids weren’t home. I remember a lady saying last year she remembered the elevator… Here are 10 easy things you can do to keep your intimacy from going down the tube:

1. Turn routine into romance - sometimes you have to go way back and remember the you that captured that spouses heart and bring that person back to life
2. Turn practical into play - what playful things did you used to do back in the day that turned into foreplay and passion. Please don’t tell me that you can’t remember anything.
3. Turn predictability into spontaneous - some of you remember the back seat of the car, skinny dipping on the beach and love outside the bedroom when the kids weren’t home. I remember a lady saying last year she remembered the elevator. I can’t imagine that one but it worked for them once, maybe they should try it again.
4. Turn words into worship - sometimes your entire relationship can go from 0-60 just by speaking kinds and loving words towards each other
5. Turn the bedroom into a ballroom - a few weeks ago one of my favorite morning shows was on and they talked to couples that had exciting relationships. One thing that all had in common was that they fixed up their bedrooms to get more play. They did it in different ways like bringing in candles, using satin sheets, bringing in air spray diffusers that kept scents going, playing soft music or having a romantic dinners in their bedroom. All of them said they did not do this everyday because they wanted it to be special, but they did it enough to keep a flame going. What I found amazing was that with these couples, the men did most of the talking.
6. Turn ordinary into extraordinary - give your spouse a good day from morning until night every day and see if this does not heat things up. Don’t give them an ordinary day, give them an extraordinary day. Go the extra mile. I like the way one pastor said it, he said if you show compassion, you will always get passion.
7. Turn your mind into their mind - learn to read between the lines, because if you can do things for them before they ask, it will bless your bedroom
8. Turn words to action - Love is a verb, saying it is great but showing it is better
9. Turn memories into unforgetable moments - create some unforgettable moments to make them physically want you. Remember those diamond commercials, what happens everytime the woman gets a ring and we know it all starts with a kiss
10. Turn selfishness off and turn satisfaction on - always do more for your spouse than you do for yourself. In today’s society we laugh at grandma who had her husbands meal prepared everyday, slippers and the newspaper at the front door, but grandma held on to her man for 50 years and in our day if you make it five years, that is remarkable. We can learn a lot from the old school.

I hope whoever possed this question finds this message. Yes it would be wrong to take your life. Please don’t do that. I remember the times I have been on the prayer line when people called in about to commit suicide and it never failed that they did not want to die. They just wanted the pain to stop. I never had a bad ending to one of those prayer calls. I had a lot of weeping and I heard a lot of painful stories, but never to this day met one that really wanted to die.

The most serious one I had was from a person that was very suicidal and had attempted to end their lives three time prior that I had knowledge of. It took about five hours on the phone, but we finally found something that they were willing to live for. My prayer for you is that you find something you are willing to live for.

I would start with your children if you have them. What are they going to do without you? How much pain will you cause them for the rest of their lives if you do what you thinking. Then I would ask, why are you afraid to trust God to get you beyond your pain. He can do it if you give him the chance. There is nothing that he can not handle. If you just open your mouth and say God help me, I do not want to die, he will give you a reason to live and help you through this very dark moment.

Dear God,
Help this person where ever they are. I pray that you reach into their darkness and bring them into the light. Please remove their pain. Please remove their hurt and disappointment. Silence the voice of the enemy that would encourage to end their life. Let them hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and guide them to a safe haven. Please send a laborer to their field to give them strength and encouragement. Deliver them from evil. Amen.

Have you ever thought what it would be like to talk to God on the phone. I bet we would get an ear full. When a friend sent me this I thought, I bet this is something God would say if he called me on the phone. In reality he does this everyday but sometimes we miss it…

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life.
These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in
this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow
these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens an d carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can’t help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all… God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you’ve given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of
all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances?
Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster ? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you.
All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don’t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I’m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.” Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It’s simple. You gave Me your burdens and I’m taking care of them. I also renew your strengthand cover you in my peace. Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I’m in control. But there’s one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don’t forget to talk to Me - OFTEN ! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I’m doing.
Trust Me; you wouldn’t want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you,
and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a muc h bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven’t heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry.
Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult,
have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only — to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don’t ev er forget……

Touch someone with your love. Rather than focus upon the thorns of life, smell the roses and count your blessings !

If a wife does not invest in the relationship, the first question I would ask is have you explicitedly made her aware that you do not think she has been or is willing to invest in the relationship. Then define for her what investment you are speaking of and how that affects you. Often people just don’t know how you are impacted by what they do. Then explain to her ways you think you are investing in the relationship and encourage her to do likewise.

Encouraging is not blaming, finger pointing, fussing and the like. It is expressing an expectation with hopes of acheiving a unified goal. Find things that you can mutually agree on and have defined as investing and go from there. Because if a person really wants a marriage they will do what it takes to keep it. See my about page for resources.

If you feel like your marriage is dead, then bury it. I didn’t say end it. I said bury it. Some relationships are so bad that all you can do is to start over. They are bad because for years you have slowly killed each other. A relationship does not turn sour over night. It take effort. The only thing is the effort is not a positive one. Instead of blessing, you have bruised. Instead of caring, you have cursed. Instead of giving, you have taken. Instead of encouraging, you have dismembered emotions. But somewhere in all of that hurt there is still something inside of you that says, I don’t want to be without this person and for whatever reason I love them.

I am just the type of person that doesn’t waste time with life because it is too short. So if you have a problem, deal with it and don’t let it continue to rob you of life. If your marriage feels dead then start the long process of reversing that by having strong communications with your spouse. Be flat honest and let them know how you feel and that you need measurable changes immediately. I want you, but I can’t live like this. Do you want a marriage or not? I will not continue to go down this road. You need to work with me.

I know it is not often this simple, but sometimes it really it. But just do something to evoke a change in the situation. Then express what you want. I think the marriage would be better if… I’ve invested so much time in this relationship I don’t want it to end, but if you are bent on ending it make it clear so that I can go on with my life. I loved you once, I want to love you again, are you willing to work with me?

Then forgive each other and move on. Day by day you will have to create a new marriage and never bring up again what happened in the past. Bury that mess that you have on your hand, and birth a new relationship. You can do it. Don’t sacrifice your life for a miserable marriage. That is not God’s best for you. He never wanted us to just put up with anything. Get him involved and make a change.
Read my about page for resources and read my article Love Jesus Hate My Marriage on how to begin a new birth.

Question for today, I am the other woman should I leave? Everyone has to be accountable for their own actions and be willing to live with the consequences of their actions. Since the question was asked, I can only present my opinion, please take it for whatever you think it is worth. Should you leave? Yes, not only to end wrecking someones home, but you deserve better. Why should you settle for second best and want something that spiritually belongs to someone else. God can provide you with something so much better. He can give you a relationship you can feel good about and free to enjoy. He can give you someone that will love you that has no strings attached. No more ripping some other woman’s heart out and hurting her children.

You might say, well I really do love the guy and he loves me too. This may well be the case. Maybe his marriage is beyond repair and was so far before you got into the relationship. Then if so, he should end the relationship and marry you. But to allow him to go uncommitted and want the best of both worlds is not fair to you or his wife. It’s selfishness. I just personally think women deserve more than that. A good woman deserves to be loved and not used. God will help you if you want to be helped. He is only one prayer away. I wish you the best and I truly hope that you find a man that will be good to you with no attachments.

This was a very good question. I think the first place to start is prayer. It is okay to ask God for a relationship. Then when you meet someone ask God if he sent that person and can you trust them. He will answer. Sometimes he answers in small warnings. Like you feel uncomfortable, you see inconsistencies in their character, they have mood swings, you notice they have a temper or they always make excuses for something. Sometimes he will show you bigger things like you are never invited to meet their family or spend time with their children. Perhaps you’ve dated for a long while and you don’t have a key to their house or apartment. Another indicator could be the answers they provide to the questions that you ask. Then another thing is you might want to get to know his or her friends and employees to find out what type of person they really are. If they ever hit you while dating or attempted to hit you - head for the hills and don’t look back. These days you might even check out their My Space page.

God often tries to show us but we miss things. So take the time to be prayerful and listen. Be very attentive and watch very carefully what they do. If you earnestly pray, God will show you. I remember once a very long time ago God showed me that I was in the wrong relationship in a dream. He had to show me three times before I finally believed it, but after that I ended it. And later found out though a series of events that God had him pegged. I was so glad that I followed God.

There is no one that cares about your future happiness more than God. He does not want you to make a mistake. Just talk to him like you would talk to someone on the phone. He takes joy in being consulted an answering prayer. Let him provide the person for you to trust. He will. He’s been doing it a long time.

One of my favorite Bible stories is a man that was seeking a wife for his son. He had gotten old so he sent his servant to find a bride. The father told the servant, please don’t bring me back a headache. My son needs a good wife and I trust you enough to handle this for me. So the servant who loved his master and wanted to do the best he could went to find the wife. He stopped on the side of the road and prayed to God not to let him pick the wrong woman, then he gave a list of requests for God to answer to make sure he had the right woman. He sat on the side of the road waiting for the prayer to be answered.

Sure enough the woman came by and this woman did every single thing he had prayed to God about. He was overjoyed and eventually arranged to take the woman back with him to be the wife of his masters son. If God did it then, why would he not do that for you? Just ask him.